


Deliver You The Words I Can't Say

by redandglenda



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 09:49:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8974816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redandglenda/pseuds/redandglenda
Summary: Leonard’s family didn’t express affection through touch, so he is caught completely off guard by his new (self-appointed) best friend being so damn tactile. It takes him a while to accept that being friends with Jim = being constantly touched by Jim. Now if only he could convince his traitorous heart to not want more.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bluejbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluejbird/gifts).



Growing up in the south instilled a number of core beliefs in Leonard McCoy that continued to shape him throughout his life. His ma was a southern belle who taught him compassion and manners, and his daddy was a farmer who taught him the importance of a strong work ethic and loyalty to the right people. His grandma taught him sarcasm and sass, and his granddaddy taught him medicine and honesty.  
  
Before his daddy died, before Leonard killed him, his family was tight knit and they expressed this closeness in words: in the way Leonard’s granddaddy would tell Leonard he was proud of him for going to medical school, in the way Leonard’s ma would tell him she loved him to the moon and back every night before bed when he lived at home, in the way Leonard’s grandma would laugh delightedly when Leonard managed to keep up with her quick wit and tell him she was impressed, in the way Leonard’s daddy would ask about his day every night at dinner and really listen to the answer.  
  
After Leonard moved away from home for university and then medical school, he carried his family’s lessons and love out into the world and was thankful for what he had learned. It never failed to impress his girlfriends that he was at ease talking about his feelings, but it also never failed to eventually drive them off for saying the wrong thing.  
  
This ease faded gradually. First his granddaddy died and his grandma’s sharp wit and zest for life died with him, leaving her withdrawn, no matter what Leonard did, and then Leonard’s daddy got sick and begged Leonard to help end his life. Leonard’s family crumbled before his eyes. His ma refused to talk to him after he killed his daddy, and without his family around him, Leonard withdrew more and more, until his closest relationship was with the bartender at his local.  
  
Leonard tried to be the good man his family had raised, but he felt broken to the core by the loss of what felt like his whole family, his whole support network. At first, Jocelyn tried to help, but Leonard couldn’t talk about any of it, could only drink to dull the pain of killing his father and ruining his family. He couldn’t confide in her, because that would make it all real. Voicing his hatred and shame would probably kill him, so he drank instead, and Jocelyn slipped further and further away, yelling as she went that he wasn’t the man she married.  
  
It was only right that Jocelyn eventually reached the end of her tether and kicked him out. Leonard didn’t blame her at all, just gave her what she wanted and left town. She had been the only thing keeping him there, and it was actually a relief to get out of the state where the remains of his family still lived.  
  
An old friend from med school was working in Iowa, and had been asking Leonard to collaborate on a medical trial for the last few months, so it felt like as good a place as any to move. He got a job easily at the hospital in Des Moines and rented a shitty one bedroom apartment just around the corner.  
  
Over time, Leonard felt himself slowly beginning to come back to himself, and to his values. He was still drinking to the point of blacking out most nights, but during the day he was working hard, he was being compassionate to his patients and loyal to his old friend, and he was being as well mannered as he could manage. He would never forgive himself for his daddy’s death, but he could try to uphold the beliefs his family taught him.  
  
This plan was going well, all told, until the anniversary of his daddy’s death. Leonard usually kept his work life and his home (drinking) life separate, but in his grief and crippling guilt Leonard lost track of time and missed two days of work, and showed up still drunk to his shift on the third day. Amazingly, Leonard wasn’t fired, but he was sent home with a warning, from his boss, and a sense of overwhelming shame, from himself. To dull the latter, Leonard immediately went to the nearest bar and started drinking.  
  
After the bartender cut him off a few hours later, Leonard wandered drunkenly down the street and happened upon a Starfleet recruitment meeting. He sat down at the back and listened blearily to the speech. Getting even further away from his family (his shame) sounded pretty fucking fantastic to Leonard, and he’d be helping people, the one thing he was actually good at. And though he hated the thought of conforming to military regulations, he had to admit that some structure in his life might help with his drinking, which was careening closer and closer to being out of control. At the end of the meeting, he signed his name on the dotted line and agreed to show up at the dockyard in Riverside the next day.  
  
Leonard called his boss and quit, unsurprisingly not meeting any resistance after his performance that morning, packed up his shitty apartment, and drove to Riverside. The next morning he rolled out of bed in the same clothes he fell asleep in, drank some liquid courage to get on the shuttle, had a fight with a flight attendant, and sat down beside a similarly dishevelled stranger. He introduced himself, remembering his manners at the last moment, and then he was looking into the bluest eyes he’d ever seen.  
  
The kid was talking to him, and Leonard was responding, apparently, but all he could focus on was the warm hand firmly grasping his thigh.  
  
“Couldn’t let you fall out of your seat,” Kirk said, when he noticed Leonard’s pointed look at his hand.  
  
Leonard hadn’t realised he’d been staring. He had just been thinking that he couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched him outside of a professional handshake. He touched his patients, but that was different, medical and necessary, not just someone reaching out and touching him.  
  
“Oh,” Leonard said articulately.  
  
Kirk easily took his hand off Leonard’s thigh and began describing the fight he’d been in the night before. The touch had been a shock, but Leonard quickly forgot about it in favour of whipping out the portable regen he kept in his pocket when he noticed Kirk’s obviously broken nose and bruised cheekbone and beginning to lecture Kirk on not being an idiot and taking on multiple attackers at once.  
  
Kirk looked a bit surprised at the gesture, but didn’t seem to mind that a stranger was lecturing him. He just leaned into Leonard’s space to give him better access, and then stayed close after Leonard finished, asking Leonard questions about what kind of ‘doctor-ing’ he did.  
  
_Weird_ , Leonard thought.  
  
***  
  
Leonard wasn’t sure how Jim had tracked him down after they parted ways when the shuttle landed in San Francisco, or why Jim wanted to be friends with an old curmudgeon like him, but Jim turned up outside of Leonard’s first xenobiology class just as it was letting out and walked with him to the cafeteria for lunch, jostling Leonard’s elbow along the way. And that had been that, apparently. Leonard had summarily been adopted as Jim’s best friend.  
  
Leonard’s family had expressed themselves in words, not touches, so Jim’s habit of punctuating his speech with taps to whatever body part of Leonard’s was the closest, of slinging an arm around Leonard’s shoulders when they walked, of slapping Leonard’s back when he laughed, had taken some adjustment. Leonard didn’t mind it once he got used to it, and just accepted it as a quirk of Jim’s unique personality. ‘Be friends with Jim’ equalled ‘be constantly touched by Jim’.  
  
It was surprisingly easy to accept, actually.  
  
Looking back, now over a year after they met, Leonard saw how delicately Jim handled him. He had obviously realised Leonard was uncomfortable with casual touching and taken a step back from the intimacy of his hand on Leonard’s thigh on the shuttle. Although Leonard hadn’t realised it at the time, Jim had introduced the touches slowly. First it had been a tap to Leonard’s elbow to change their direction walking together, then a knee knocking against Leonard’s when they had lunch, then a hand on Leonard’s wrist stopping him from paying for a drink at a bar, then a squeeze to Leonard’s shoulder when Jim had to respond to a comm from a classmate during dinner, and so on.  
  
It built up slowly enough that Leonard, in his haze of depression throughout his first year at the academy, didn’t register it till much later. Time went on, and Leonard consciously forced himself to put the past in the past and to focus on the present. Although many of the Starfleet rules and requirements drove him crazy, Leonard really enjoyed his time at the Academy, and a large part of that was to do with Jim.  
  
Jim kept him on his toes in a way no friend had before. He challenged Leonard’s opinions, he forced Leonard to have fun and take risks he never would have otherwise, he helped Leonard pass his remedial flying course, and as cheesy as it sounded, he encouraged Leonard to be better.  
  
“I need you as my CMO, Bones,” Jim said over his comm as Leonard lay in bed considering not going to class that day because some days were just too much.  
  
“CMOs need to be able to fly, Bones,” Jim cajoled as Leonard failed his flight test for the third time and swore he wasn’t going to take it again.  
  
“C’mon, Bones, you don’t mean that,” Jim said as Leonard recorded an angry message to send to his asshole supervisor who would ultimately be responsible for whether he passed or failed.  
  
Whenever Leonard acquiesced to Jim’s demands, Jim would reach out and touch Leonard happily, always with a bright smile, that Leonard had come to think of as his smile. No one had been this genuinely proud of and happy for Leonard since years ago when his family was whole, and no one had been this physically affectionate with Leonard ever.  
  
***  
  
Leonard had a moment of realisation at how much he had gotten used to Jim constantly touching him one night at the start of their second year of the academy. He and Jim were drinking at their usual bar when Leonard reached up to scratch his nose with the hand not holding his glass of bourbon, only to find that his other hand was somehow holding Jim's.  
  
When Jim registered his movement he easily let Leonard's hand go, and kept talking about something to do with warp theory, Leonard wasn't really paying attention. He’d long since figured out the rises and falls of Jim’s voice to determine when a response was needed and when he could get away with zoning out on topics completely above his head. When Leonard returned his hand to the table after scratching his nose, Jim quickly reclaimed it.  
  
Leonard thought he probably should be freaked out that Jim had somehow Stockholm-syndromed him into being completely at ease holding hands platonically in a bar when just over a year ago Leonard would have flinched violently away from anyone touching him without his permission. But he didn't mind. Jim's hand was warm in his, holding with just the right amount of pressure, and Leonard could feel the calluses Jim had from constantly tinkering with bits and pieces of machinery. _What's a bit of handholding between friends?_ , Leonard thought wryly, then, _God, now I’m even thinking like Jim_.  
  
Leonard shook his head at himself at what must have been an inopportune moment in Jim’s rambling, because Jim quickly broke off his train of thought to say, “What?”  
  
“Nothing, just remembered something a patient said today,” Leonard said. “G’on telling your story.”  
  
Jim squeezed Leonard’s hand and went back to warp theory and the adorable Russian kid in his class who had so many great ideas.  
  
Leonard wondered fleetingly if Jim held the Russian kid’s hand too, but he quickly shoved the thought aside with the long practice of boxing up feelings he didn’t want to deal with, and concentrated on Jim again.  
  
***  
  
Second year was harder than the first in terms of workload, but Leonard found himself enjoying it more because now that the depression fog was lifting, he actually had enough energy to engage fully in his classes, to debate policies with his boss at the medical centre, and to even idly think about dating. He wasn’t sure if he was really ready to open himself up to someone again, but as a doctor, he knew that just the fact that he was thinking about it was a good sign for his mental health.  
  
To facilitate this, Leonard was doing his best to be more open to hanging out with people other than Jim, and to even initiate these happenings. They didn’t necessarily all have to be potential romantic liaisons, but Leonard knew it would be good for him to make friends outside of Jim. The cynical, still prone to be depressed side of Leonard urged him to do it so that when Jim eventually got bored of him, Leonard would still have friends, but the healthier side wanted him to do it in the name of creating connections, which he had been sorely missing since his family fell apart.  
  
Leonard was having lunch and talking to a nice Andorian from his pharmacology class when he felt Jim sit down next to him and settle an arm around Leonard’s shoulders. Leonard kept talking about the class they had just gotten out of, focused on the Andorian, but he noticed that his classmate no longer seemed as engaged in the topic. Instead he seemed to be looking at Jim.  
  
Leonard was used to people glancing over him to look at Jim instead, because Jim was gorgeous. Objectively, that is. Not that Leonard had noticed. Usually, however, people stared lustfully, and didn’t glare like the Andorian was doing now. The Andorian’s pale eyes flicked between Leonard and Jim a few times before he mumbled something about getting to the library and left.  
  
“Funny guy,” Jim commented blithely, giving Leonard’s shoulder a quick squeeze before trailing his fingers lightly across Leonard’s shoulders as he brought his hand to the table to start eating his lunch.  
  
“Yeah,” Leonard said, not really all that bothered his lunch companion had to leave suddenly since he had Jim to talk to instead.  
  
***  
  
Later that week, Leonard was at their usual bar, waiting for Jim to finish one of his late night classes, when an attractive blonde came up to him.  
  
“Come here often, gorgeous?” the man asked, with a smirk.  
  
Leonard rolled his eyes hard and asked, “Does that ever work for you?”  
  
The other man laughed, “Not really, but I saw you sitting there alone, looking hot as hell, and had to say something.”  
  
“Well,” Leonard said and he felt the tips of his ears heat up despite himself, “I’m glad you did.” He wasn’t really all that interested in the man, but it had definitely been too long since he’d last flirted with someone if such a simple comment got to him. Leonard figured he might as well try out his extremely rusty flirting skills while he waited for Jim.  
  
The man smiled and reached out a hand to shake. “My name is Evan.”  
  
“Leonard,” Leonard said and shook Evan’s hand. He could hear his ma’s voice in the back of his head reminding him to be polite, so he added, “Nice to meet you.”  
  
“And I’m Jim, so we’re all introduced,” Jim’s voice sounded from right beside Leonard’s ear. His lips brushed Leonard’s cheek in a quick press, and then he settled on the stool beside Leonard.  
  
Evan raised his eyebrows at Jim before looking back to Leonard, and said, “Sorry man, didn’t realise you had company.” His flirtatious manner from before had disappeared entirely.  
  
“Yes, he does,” Jim said, with just a bit of edge to his tone.  
  
“Evan, you can stay, just ignore him,” Leonard said half-heartedly, but Evan had already started walking away.  
  
Leonard turned to Jim. “Are you that much of an infant that you can’t share my attention for one drink?”  
  
“It’s the only child in me,” Jim said, smiling. He hooked his foot around Leonard’s ankle comfortably.  
  
Leonard knew Jim wasn’t actually an only child and just preferred to not talk about his estranged brother, so Leonard just rolled his eyes and played along, “Child, indeed. One of these days I might actually be busy, you know?”  
  
“Nah,” Jim said easily. “You’ll always have time for me. I’m the best friend you’ve got.”  
  
“You’re the best pain in the ass, I’ve got,” Leonard grumbled. “Can’t even let your ‘best friend’ have a drink with someone else?”  
  
“C’mon, Bones, you didn’t even like him,” Jim said. He hooked his other foot around Leonard’s ankle as well now, and his calves were warmly holding Leonard’s leg between them.  
  
“I might’ve,” Leonard said, just to be contrary at this point. He couldn’t deny that he was relieved when Jim showed up. Thinking idly about getting back into the dating game, and actually having to attempt to flirt with strangers were two very separate things.  
  
“You didn’t,” Jim said.  
  
“You must have been an unholy terror when you were a kid. Always asking ‘why’ and arguing if the answer wasn’t what you wanted it to be,” Leonard said, fondly exasperated.  
  
“You know me,” Jim smirked, “Always right.”  
  
“Yeah, okay,” Leonard gave in, rolling his eyes hard. Jim was a spoiled bastard for demanding and always getting all of Leonard’s attention, it’s true, but he was right about Evan.  
  
Jim grinned widely in triumph, and said, “I’ll get us some drinks.”  
  
“You’d better,” Leonard said with a glare. He wasn’t actually mad at Jim, but it was best to not give the kid any more ideas about walking all over him.  
  
Jim pouted as he untangled their feet and walked rather sullenly to the bar. Leonard had to hold in a grin at his dramatics. He was fond of the little shit, spoiled though he may be. Though he was prone to hiding it with his acting out and dramatics, Jim had a huge heart and was smarter than most people Leonard had met.  
  
Until Leonard met Jim, the idea that he would give in this much to anyone had been laughable. Although he’d been raised to be polite, as any southern gentleman should be, he had always had a stubborn streak a mile wide and was ornery to boot. So it didn’t make sense that he let Jim get away with half as much as he did.  
  
He chalked it up to Jim being the first person to get close to him after everything, and the person who helped him claw his way back to being a functional member of society. And really, anyone who would stick with him through a year of awful depression and not leave (unlike Jocelyn, his brain whispered traitorously) deserved a bit of leeway. But that didn’t mean he was going to going to stop bitching at Jim all through that leeway. So when Jim came back with their drinks, Leonard started in on a rant about spoiled children who couldn’t handle anyone else playing with their toy and who had to tell off people for even breathing near their toy. Jim rolled his eyes but listened patiently, sipping his drink with his thigh pressed against Leonard’s.  
  
It never occurred to Leonard that Jim’s kiss on his cheek was what had scared off Evan, and not Jim’s words.  
  
***  
  
A couple of months later, Leonard and Jim were at Jim’s favourite club. Jim couldn’t convince Leonard to go very often because Leonard hated dancing and all the people and the loud music, so he usually went on nights when Leonard had shifts at the clinic. However, Leonard had gotten the night off last minute, and wanted to see Jim. He chose not to examine the fact that he would go somewhere he hated just to see get a chance to see Jim.  
  
By the time Leonard made it to the club, Jim was already a good few drinks in as evidenced by his flushed cheeks and bright eyes, which Leonard spotted from across the dance floor. Leonard made his way to the bar and ordered a drink. By the time it came, Jim had appeared at his side, pressing himself up against Leonard in a sweaty hug.  
  
“Bones! I didn’t know you were coming,” Jim shouted delightedly.  
  
“I wasn’t going to,” Leonard shouted back to be heard over the pulsing music.  
  
“Drink that quick and come dance,” Jim shouted.  
  
“Definitely not,” Leonard responded. “I’ll just stay here, nice and safe, and away from all the people.”  
  
Jim rolled his eyes and shouted back, “Okay, grandpa.” Jim turned to the bartender then and ordered eight shots of whisky.  
  
“Jesus, Jim, that’s enough whisky to take down a Kelaran wildebeest!”  
  
When the shots came, Jim pushed five of them in Leonard’s direction with a grin.  
  
“Oh no, Jim. I know exactly what you’re doing, you sneaky bastard, I am not dancing,” Leonard said.  
  
“Can’t hear you,” Jim shouted, “Better drink up! Can’t let that whisky go to waste.”  
  
“When I have to have my stomach pumped later tonight, I am blaming it on you, you tricky asshole, and you’re going to get written up for being a bad influence on your peers and never get to be captain,” Leonard grumbled. He didn’t know how Jim heard him over the music, but he evidentially did since he laughed at Leonard.  
  
Leonard gave in too quickly, as usual, Jesus fucking Christ he’s got me wrapped around his little finger and knows it, that shit, and picked up a shot and tossed it back.  
  
The alcohol hit his system quickly, and soon Jim was dragging Leonard out onto the dance floor and pulling him into his arms.  
  
When Leonard was this drunk, he didn’t mind shuffling along while Jim writhed around him, and it was easy to ignore how much he loved the feel of Jim’s hands drifting lower and lower on his back. Sober, Jim’s hands swept easily over Leonard’s back, arms, and thighs, but they never strayed onto Leonard’s ass. Drunk, Jim’s hands were much more bold.  
  
Jim spun away momentarily into the arms of a passing Orion. Gaila, Leonard thought her name was. He was gearing up to rant about the dangers of Orion pheromones, when Jim crashed back up against Leonard, cupping Leonard’s ass for a brief moment before trailing his hands up Leonard’s back to rest more safely on Leonard’s waist as he twisted his hips to the beat.  
  
The rest of the night passed in an alcohol-soaked blur.  
  
***  
  
Leonard woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell, and he sleepily cursed whisky, clubs, Jim, Jim’s stupid face, Jim’s goddamn hips, all that Jim stood for, whisky, but most of all his own inability to say no to Jim. He knew he should get up and use a hypo to help him with his hangover, but instead he lay in bed, remembering the feeling of Jim grinding against him the night before.  
  
Guiltily, Leonard reached a hand into his boxers and gave his cock a squeeze. He’d had a semi when he woke up, and thinking about Jim’s dancing the night before had gotten him the rest of the way hard. Leonard slid his hand up and down his cock in a slow rhythm, and thought about how Jim’s hard cock had pressed against the groove of his hip as they danced. If it felt that good clothed, Leonard couldn’t imagine how good it would have felt to have Jim’s warm, lithe body pressed up against him naked. Leonard came with a groan then as his thumb flicked over the head of his cock, not needing much beyond the idea of a naked Jim to make him come.  
  
Sweaty and guilty, Leonard berated himself for what he’d just done. Ever since second year had started and Leonard had his moment of realization at how much Jim touched him, he had become more aware of Jim as a sexual being. It sounded stupid, but all first year, Leonard had been too depressed to think about anyone that way, let alone the one person who got him through each week.  
  
He had found himself enjoying Jim’s touches more and more in the months since then, but was wracked with guilt because of it. Jim was his best friend and by all accounts he was just a friendly, tactile guy. Leonard wasn’t used to being touched, sure, but that didn’t give him leave to get weird and start developing feelings for Jim when he was just being himself.  
  
That was one of the main reasons Leonard had decided to try dating. If platonic touches were getting him going, he obviously was ready to start a relationship again, a physical one at least, and that relationship needed to be with someone Not Jim. He’d worried about Jim finding out about his burgeoning feelings, but decided that while it might be a bit creepy reacting that way to Jim just being friendly, ultimately it was harmless. A victimless crime, as it were.  
  
Leonard heaved himself out of bed then and resolved to keep his feelings to himself. Just because he felt the most alive when Jim’s bright eyes, and usually wandering hands, were on him, didn’t mean Leonard wouldn’t find someone else he was interested in. Just because the thought of Jim touching anyone else like he did Leonard made something deep inside Leonard curl up and wail, didn’t mean Leonard could act like a jealous bastard. And just because Leonard would do anything, even things way outside of his comfort zone, just to see Jim smile, didn’t mean he had to burden Jim with his unrequited feelings.  
  
Jim would continue to touch him platonically, and Leonard would continue to have feelings for him, but Leonard would act the same. He wouldn’t let Jim know because Jim very obviously didn’t feel the same, and that was that.  
  
***  
  
The anniversary of the Kelvin crash came up more quickly than Leonard thought it would, and Jim was missing. Well, maybe not properly missing, but Leonard hadn’t seen him for over 48 hours which was very unusual. Last year on the anniversary, Jim hadn’t let Leonard see him, and instead turned up two days after the anniversary just as one of Leonard’s classes was letting out to walk him to lunch as usual and hadn’t mentioned it. Leonard saw the dark circles under Jim’s dull eyes and let him get away with it.  
  
This year, though, Leonard went looking for Jim, hoping to stop a two-day bender in its tracks. He knew Jim a lot better this year, what with being out of his rather self-involved depressive hole from the first year, and couldn’t let him go through it alone.  
  
It took him most of the night, but he finally tracked Jim down to one of the sleaziest bars in Chinatown where Jim was slumped on top of the bar, with his head laid next to his half-empty glass. Leonard was glad he caught him like this, instead of mid-way through a fight. It was much easier to drag home a half-comatose Jim instead of a spitting mad Jim.  
  
Jim let himself be manhandled out of the bar and back to Leonard’s room with little complaint. Leonard didn’t want Jim to be alone when he woke up, and since Leonard had a couch in his single room, courtesy of being a mature student, he deposited Jim on it to sleep off his drunkenness.  
  
Jim blinked up at Leonard sleepily as he got Jim settled and scanned him with a tricorder to make sure he was just drunk and not anything worse. Leonard was constantly glad that he was a doctor, so that Jim wouldn’t suspect him of feeling anything other than doctorly concern, and not mild terror every time Jim got hurt.  
  
“B’nes?” Jim asked.  
  
“Yeah, Jimmy, I’m here,” Leonard said as he crouched next to the couch by Jim’s head.  
  
“You found me?”  
  
“Of course I did, kid. I do know you,” Leonard said and pulled a blanket from the back of the couch to cover Jim. He was being much more gentle than he normally would with a drunk Jim, but today was the anniversary of the kid’s father’s death and his goddamn birthday, so Leonard allowed himself.  
  
Jim closed his eyes then and Leonard thought he had drifted off to sleep until Jim slurred, “I was waiting for you.”  
  
“Well, I would’ve come quicker if you hadn’t turned off your comm and not told me where you were going,” Leonard groused. “Damn fool thing to do getting this drunk when you haven’t told anyone where you are, in the area with the highest crime rates in the city–”  
  
“No,” Jim cut him off, and pushed himself up a bit to look Leonard in the eyes. “I was waiting. We’re gonna be perfect together. Just had to wait f’you to get over your ex and all that shit.”  
  
Leonard furrowed his eyebrows, confused at this non-sequitur. “Perfect together?”  
  
“Yeah. Jus’ had t’wait. Stop e’ryone else getting close t’you,” Jim slurred.  
  
“What?” Leonard asked faintly. He didn’t believe what he was hearing.  
  
“There’s a plan, a long term plan. Long, long, long. S’fucked now. Stupid Jim. Gave it ‘way,” Jim said morosely.  
  
Leonard couldn’t help finding Jim adorable, sleepy as he was and annoyed at himself, but this major shift in Leonard’s worldview wasn’t coming easily. “Jim, you’re saying you what. Warned off any potential suitors like we were in the Victorian times?”  
  
Jim crooked a sad grin, “Yeah. Sorry, Bones.” He looked contrite, like a puppy waiting to be whacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.  
  
“Is this. Wait. All the touching? But that’s just you, isn’t it? You’re like that with everyone, right?” Leonard asked.  
  
“Is just you,” Jim said.  
  
“You’re not like –”  
  
“You,” Jim cut Leonard off emphatically.  
  
“Jesus, Jim, why didn’t you tell me?” Leonard didn’t wait for Jim to answer and continued on, “No, don’t tell me now. Tell me tomorrow. When you’re sober. When I know you mean it. I can’t have my heart broken again, Jim, and I know you could do it so easily.”  
  
“I wouldn’t,” Jim mumbled, just as he dropped off to sleep.  
  
Leonard sat there, watching Jim breathe deeply for a long while. If Jim meant this. If he really meant what he said, then he had been waiting for Leonard to be ready to date before making his move, and in the meantime had been staking his claim.  
  
Leonard didn’t really know what to think about all of this. On the one hand, Leonard could now feel less guilty for enjoying all of Jim’s touches and for developing feelings for him, but on the other hand, Jim had been acting like a ridiculously overprotective asshole and that shit would not fly.  
  
Leonard let out a deep sigh and stood up. He’d have to deal with this tomorrow. 3am was not the time to be contemplating potentially ruining the best friendship he’d ever had by attempting potentially the best relationship he could ever have with the person who knew him the best in the world.  
  
***  
  
Leonard honestly expected Jim to have snuck out by the time Leonard woke up in the morning, so he was surprised to see Jim sitting on the couch, nervously picking at a loose thread on his shirt when he stepped out of his room.  
  
Jim looked up quickly as Leonard stepped into the room. “Bones,” he breathed out. He looked a bit embarrassed and quite green around the gills, but mostly okay.  
  
“Jim,” Leonard said. “Are you doing okay? How’s the hangover?”  
  
Jim winced, “It’s not great, but it’s fine, I deserve it.”  
  
Leonard walked over to his small medkit by the couch. “Don’t be a martyr. If there’s any time a person can be allowed to get drunk, it’s on the anniversary of their daddy’s death. I should know.” Leonard loaded up a hypo and jabbed it into Jim’s neck.  
  
“Ouch,” Jim moaned piteously.  
  
“Don’t be a baby,” Leonard said with his usual sharpness.  
  
Instead of continuing to whine, like he usually did, Jim took a deep breath and looked up at Leonard, drawing his knees up to his chest in a protective posture. “Last night, I. . .” he trailed off.  
  
Leonard waited for him to continue, but when he didn’t, Leonard sat down heavily next to Jim on the couch and said, “You said some things.”  
  
Leonard saw Jim wince out of the corner of his eye. They were both facing forward and not looking at each other, which Leonard reasoned might make this conversation easier.  
  
“Bones. I didn’t mean. I was really drunk and,” Jim started and stopped a few times unsuccessfully.  
  
“What didn’t you mean?” Leonard asked.  
  
“Fuck!” Jim burst out suddenly and stood up. He started pacing the small room. “I did mean it, Bones, but you’ve got to know me well enough that you know I didn’t mean anything awful by it.”  
  
“I do know you,” Leonard said, “But you’ve got to know that it was a pretty shitty thing to do. What if I had wanted to date someone else? Would you have stopped me?” Leonard was almost entirely positive the answer was no, and that Jim’s creepy little heart just hadn’t realised how his actions had come across. For a genius, Jim was such a dumbass about feelings.  
  
“What? Of course not!” Jim sounded scandalized. “Of course not, Bones, I would never.”  
  
“But you were stopping people from hitting on me,” Bones said.  
  
“Only after I could tell you weren’t interested, I swear,” Jim said quickly.  
  
“Jim,” Bones sighed. He was gratified by Jim’s quick and obviously truthful response, but he was still a bit wary in case Jim’s feelings weren’t in line with Leonard’s own.  
  
“Bones,” Jim started. He finally stopped pacing and looked down at Leonard who was still sitting on the couch. His voice was serious when he said, “I meant what I said. I knew we’d be perfect together someday, and I still know that. I’ve been in love with you since you looked at me on the shuttle and didn’t just see George Kirk’s fucked up son, but saw someone worth talking and listening to. You saw someone in pain and you cared about me, and you do that for me every damn day like no one in my life ever has before. And I knew you weren’t ready, but I couldn’t stop myself from touching you, because God, have you seen you?” Jim looks away then, cheeks red and obviously embarrassed.  
  
Leonard stood up then and took Jim’s hands in his. “Have you seen you?” he asked Jim. He waited for Jim to turn his head back towards him before saying quietly, “I didn’t mind you touching me.”  
  
The corner of Jim’s mouth ticked up for a second before he was serious again. “Bones, I never wanted to take advantage of you, and I’m so sorry if I did.”  
  
“You didn’t, really,” Leonard said. “I promise. I was just surprised. You know me, always running at the mouth.” Leonard shrugged self-deprecatingly.  
  
“I like your mouth,” Jim said, softer, but happier, now.  
  
Leonard grinned. “I like yours.” He let go of one of Jim’s hands to reach up to Jim’s face. He ran his thumb under the generous swell of Jim’s bottom lip in wonder that he was allowed to touch what he had dreamed about so often over the last few months.  
  
Jim gasped lightly.  
  
“Not so confident when the touching is happening the other way around, huh?” Leonard smirked.  
  
Jim reached up and captured Leonard’s hand, drawing it gently away from his face. He squeezed both of Leonard’s hands tightly then, looking intently into Leonard’s eyes. “I won’t break your heart, Bones, I promise.”  
  
“I didn’t think you’d remember that,” Leonard said lowly before taking a breath to continue with more strength. “You can’t promise that, y’know? Everyone starts out thinking they’re going to be together forever and most of the times they aren’t.”  
  
“Ever the cynic,” Jim said, smiling. “Have some faith in me, Bones. We’re going to graduate in three years, I’m going to pass the Kobayashi Maru, you’re going to be my CMO, and I’m never going to break your heart. Just facts of life.”  
  
“You’re ridiculous,” Bones said. He was privately pleased though, even if part of him was convinced Jim was wrong and Leonard would fuck this up just like he did with every relationship in his life.  
  
“Let me have this one,” Jim said, tugging Leonard closer till their hips collided and they were sharing breath.  
  
“I let you have all the ones,” Leonard grumbled for form’s sake, as his lips brushed Jim’s softly at first, and then harder as Jim’s lips parted for him.  
  
Jim caught Leonard’s lower lip in his mouth and he sucked on it lightly, drawing a gasp from Leonard. Jim took the opportunity to dip his tongue into Leonard’s mouth, flicking it up against the roof of his mouth before caressing Leonard’s tongue with his own.  
  
“Jim,” Leonard groaned as he pulled back briefly to breathe. He took a step back and grabbed Jim’s belt loops so that when he fell back onto the couch he pulled Jim with him onto his lap.  
  
“Fuck, Bones,” Jim gasped, as the new position put Jim’s cock flush with Leonard’s. Jim rolled his hips slowly back and forth, and bent his head down to kiss and bite down Leonard’s neck.  
  
Leonard grabbed Jim by the ass and dragged him down so that their cocks were pressing even harder against each other. They groaned in tandem at the sensation and Jim scrambled at his belt buckle to loosen it all the while sucking an impressive hickey on Leonard’s clavicle.  
  
Leonard used the sudden slackness of Jim’s jeans to slide his hands under Jim’s jeans to cup the firm and warm skin there. For a minute or two, he simply enjoyed the feeling of Jim’s gorgeous ass finally under his hands after months of covert staring, but the restless way Jim’s hand were roaming Leonard’s chest spurred him into action. Leonard kept a firm grip of one cheek in one hand and slid the other to rub lightly up and down Jim’s crack.  
  
Jim shuddered, and brought his head back up to kiss Leonard wetly.  
  
The feeling of Jim writhing above him and the hard friction on his cock was incredible, but Leonard wanted more. After months of thinking about Jim touching him, he needed to touch him back. Leonard pushed the tip of his middle finger into Jim’s tight hole to feel the hotness inside. He didn’t want to do anymore for fear of hurting Jim without the proper lubricant, but he had to feel Jim and see how he would respond.  
  
Jim shook above him and moaned, “Bones,” loudly into Leonard’s mouth. His hips twitched out of sync of the rhythm he had established grinding against Leonard. Jim squirmed between the press of Leonard’s finger and the friction of Leonard’s clothed cock until only a few moments later Jim came suddenly with a sharp bite to Leonard’s lower lip and a full body shiver.  
  
Leonard could feel Jim’s hole clenching and trying to draw the tip of his finger further inside as Jim came and Leonard needed to come right the fuck now. Luckily Jim was of the same opinion because as soon as Leonard pulled his hands out of the back of Jim’s jeans, Jim slithered to the floor in between Leonard’s spread thighs. He pulled Leonard’s sleep trousers down quickly and Leonard’s cock leaped out, hard and leaking from the tip.  
  
Jim wrapped a hand around the base of Leonard’s cock and took the head into his mouth, sucking hard.  
  
Leonard grabbed the edge of the couch cushion to stop himself from pushing Jim’s head further down onto his cock, but Jim just looked up at him through his eyelashes and swallowed Leonard’s cock down all the way, the cocky shit. Leonard couldn’t really complain though because as soon as he felt Jim’s throat close around his cock he came with a shout. It had definitely been too long.  
  
Jim pulled back, looking smug.  
  
“Fuck,” Leonard said, winded.  
  
“Fuck,” Jim agreed, his voice rough. He rested his head against Leonard’s thigh for a moment while both of their breathing returned to normal, and then he tilted his head up to catch Leonard’s eye.  
  
Leonard smoothed Jim’s hair back from where it had fallen over his forehead and then smoothed his thumb over Jim’s cheekbone. _God, he’s gorgeous_ , Leonard thought, _and all mine, apparently_.  
  
“In case you didn’t get it because you were yelling at me,” Jim said, “I love you. I was trying to show you.”  
  
Leonard took a deep breath in, adjusting to hearing the words for the first time since Jocelyn, since his mother, since anyone in his family said it. He didn’t think he’d ever believe anyone if they said it to him again, but here he was, with this beautiful boy, still buzzing with pleasure, and knowing deep down that Jim did really love him. “I love you too.”  
  
Jim’s smile was so bright it dazzled Leonard, and he almost missed the cheeky hands running up his thighs and trying to reach under him to get at his ass.  
  
“The touching isn’t going to stop, is it?” Leonard asked, resigned, but smiling.  
  
“Never,” Jim promised.

**Author's Note:**

> The amazing [Kait](http://kingbirdkathy.tumblr.com) drew a _gorgeous_ piece of art for my fic! 
> 
>  


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